Infertility

I'm at the point where I have no idea who doesn't know about this, and I no longer care about it being "out in the open" - so I will just put it out there for anyone who reads this blog:

Jared and I have been trying to start a family for almost exactly 2 years now. In other words, we have been struggling with infertility for 2 years. We don't know if the 'problem' is mine or his or both of ours, and we probably won't know for at least another 2 or more years (sounds like an eternity to me) until Jared graduates and starts his career, as we simply don't have the money or means right now to visit a doctor for a cold, let alone fertility problems.

(I guess I should warn you. This post will probably be long.)

When I say we have been struggling with infertility, I mean struggling. Even though I have Jared going through this with me (and he has been an amazing support) there are times that I still feel extremely lonely - as if no one really knows or empathizes with what I am going through as a woman dealing with infertility.

Yes, I know that last sentence is ridiculous. I know that there are thousands of women currently struggling with infertility. But truth be told, (if it isn't completely obvious already), I really lack talent with the whole making-new-friends thing. Which means if I discover someone else is struggling with infertility, that's pretty much as far as any friendship with them goes: I know about them. The end. It isn't a very helpful trait to have at this time in my life (or ever, really). There are TONS of people I would love to be friends with and many who would possibly become lifelong friends of mine, but for some reason, I can't find the courage to create those friendships.

In other words, if you want to be my friend, you have to do all the work. Haha. Just kidding. Mostly.

The point I'm trying to make is I want to be friends with other women who may (or may not) be struggling with infertility, but my brain simply has no talent for creating friendships. Sad. Hopefully I can find a way to get past that.

It would make it so much easier if I had a family member like a sister or sister-in-law who could empathize with me through her own experiences of infertility. But, just my luck, my family is as fertile as can be (from what I understand). And that's good! I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Despite how it may sound, I've actually come to a point where I've accepted our situation and have stopped worrying about it (for the most part). I think the last time I was really stressing about it on a daily or almost-daily basis was at least a year ago, when I still felt like there was a chance for us to conceive but was continually let down. So I promise -- even though it might not sound like it, I'm okay now! Please don't get too worried about me when you read this. :)

Of course, I'm trying to eat healthy. Some people may not know this, but infertility can be highly related to your diet. I've been trying to eat only all-natural whole foods if I can help it (although we don't buy our own groceries, which can make it a little more complicated). I've even been reading books about Traditional Chinese Medicine and ways to improve fertility using their methods. I've researched infertility like crazy for the last year and a half, and I've learned a lot. But I'm in the dark as far as my 'condition' goes, or Jared's condition even, since we don't really know. Which makes it difficult to really get anywhere with all of this. I'm pretty sure it's me that's causing it, for the record.

Basically, I just wanted to let you all know the answer to a question we get now and again (and more often now that it's been over 2 years) -- "So when are you guys going to have a baby????" The answer: If it were up to us (and you may think we're crazy) we'd have at least one baby with another one on the way by now!

We want a BIG family, and that desire makes this experience even more frustrating. I have sooo many ideas and plans for our future family. I want to be a mother more than words can describe. Ever since I was a little girl, people would ask me what I want to be when I grow up and I would say "A mom!" Being a mom is the only thing left that I really want in this life. And yet, I know that we are going through this for a reason. I hope we can turn this into something that will ultimately be a blessing in our lives and even in the lives of others.

Hopefully I didn't make anyone uncomfortable with this post. :) Forgive me if I did -- I just wanted to get it out there for those who may have not known.

Thanks for reading.

Oh, and I miss my siblings. You should all visit soon. I'm pretty sure I miss you guys way more than any of you miss me. So there.